Fight Right
Relationship Goals, Pt. 4
Every time we gather as a group, these are some ways we ensure the best group discussion:
We make the circle safe by staying honest and transparent - leave the masks at the door.
We keep it inside the circle. Each person’s story is theirs alone to share.
We look to the Bible for wisdom and truth, and work together to let it shape how we see the world.
We don’t try to fix each other in front of each other or give unsolicited advice. We lovingly save hard conversations for private moments.
We respect each others’ time by starting and ending when we say we will.
We believe that in Jesus Christ, there is hope for everyone.
Fighting Styles
Toddler
Trash Compactor
Terminator
Stealth Bomber
Sulker
Arctic Tundra
Prosecuting Attorney
James 4:1a
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?
► I’m Not Getting What I Want
Genesis 3:1-13
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.”
Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”
He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
“The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
“Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
► Irresponsibility leads to blame that always creates conflict
► Healthy Conflict > Artificial Harmony
“A fight is a vigorous way to solve the problem of two people disagreeing while wanting to remain connected.”
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Practical tools to help us fight right
Make the RULES beforehand
PRAY - every fight is a spiritual deal…and an opportunity for God to grow us!
Fight FOR each other not WITH each other
Be HUMBLE
YOU initiate the conversation
Guard Your TONGUE
Own Your Part (Be SPECIFIC)
Start with M.U.D.
Memorable + Understandable + Doable
What was the most memorable part of the message or service this weekend for you personally? Why?
Did anything you heard challenge or influence how you think about God or your life?
How can what you learned influence or change how you live in everyday life? What tangible steps would it take to make that change a reality?
Additional Questions
We all bring imperfect selves to our relationships, and our fighting styles are part of that. Mike mentioned a few common styles like the toddler, trash compactor, stealth bomber, sulker, arctic tundra, and prosecuting attorney.
Which fighting style is yours? How does it affect the different relationships you’re in? If you’re in a relationship, how do your fighting styles interact with each other?
What different factors do you think have formed this fighting style in you? (i.e. personality, family of origin, influential voices, negative experiences or trauma, etc.)
James 4:1 says “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” Mike even said that all conflict comes from the same problem: “I’m not getting what I want.”
Why is it so important to put relational conflict through this filter and identify what desire or need is unmet in you?
Adam and Eve hide and blame after disobeying God, and we do the same. Hiding and blaming protect us not only from the consequences of our actions, but from being hurt by people we care about, too. But when we actually own our part of the conflict and move toward each other in vulnerability, we start fighting right.
Think about a common or recent conflict you’ve been in. What vulnerable parts of yourself might you have been protecting?
What were you afraid might happen or be true of you if you owned your part?
Mike left us with some practical tools to fight right. Read through them below and choose which one needs to be your priority this week, and share your response to that question.
Make the RULES beforehand
What conflict rules would make your most important relationships healthier? What rules have you had that in place that you’ve been especially thankful for?
PRAY - every fight is a spiritual issue
What conflicts have you grown from personally and relationally? How would prayer change the temperature of a fight for you?
Fight FOR each other
When you’re fighting for each other instead of against each other, how does it change the way you fight practically?
YOU initiate the conversation
What keeps you from initiating conversations when you know something is wrong? What would it mean to your significant other, friend, coworker, etc. if you actually did initiate?
Guard your TONGUE
Are there any amends you need to make for times you haven’t guarded your tongue? What specific things need to be off-limits for you to say when in conflict?
Own your part (be SPECIFIC)
What does it communicate to you when someone owns their part proactively and asks for forgiveness? Who might be able to help you see a situation clearly enough to identify what part you need to own in your next conflict?
